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also....make sure to see Steve's alternate page: Also, to see Steve braving the dangers of Turtle-Hunting, click: Beware the wrath of Steve and Brad, who are the guardians of this page...
JUST IN!! ...We have just received this EXCLUSIVE video of Steve Being ridiculously hardcore and manly. To watch Steve be ridiculously hardcore and manly, simply move your mouse over the small black screen directly below this: (may take a minute to load)
Welcome to the Adventures of Steve 'Stiv' Haqq! Stiv (shown below- on the Left) is a member of the select demographic known as the Traveling Salesmen. Steve flies all over the nation selling ultra-high quality vibrating leather chairs.
Steve is known by many all over the world as 'The Sales Ninja'. He was given this title by the secret ninja-clan commander Wing Ha Chun in the northeastern Sagua mountains, whilst he was on pilgrimage there in search of the elusive and mysterious Sasquatch.
Steve's life has been fraught with with adventures and intrigue. Born in Minneapolis in 1978, Steve quickly began developing his salesman skills, practicing the art of bartering by "charging" his parents a small fee, each time he went poopy or potty in the toilet. By age four, Steve had built the largest lemonade-stand business in the country, employing over 700 kindergarteners throughout the entire Midwest...and Steve was also well potty-trained by this point in his life...earning over three thousand dollars in his trademarked 'Sit Down And Pee' business.
By the time he reached high-school, Steve had an estimated worth of over a hundred and fifty million dollars, all earned from trading various lunch-time snacks throughout middle-school.....and his brilliant "#2 Pencil Plan", which could earn him upwards of five thousand dollars per DAY during standardized test weeks. In the photo below, you can see Steve giving one of his trademarked "#2 Salutes" showing his affinity for the "#2 Pencil Plan."
College life brought about a new era in Steve's illustrious and remarkable life in sales. In 1996, while studying both Quantum Physics and Philosophy at Harvard University, Steve designed and gave birth to the now legendary "Wash and Watch" industry...where college students could go and 'wash' their laundry, and while they waited for their clothes to be finished in the Drying Machine, they could 'watch' videos of Steve lifting weights. This chain has now grown into a nationwide industry making up for 3% of the entire GNP of the United States.
Steve's thirst for adventure and lust for danger can only be compared to a Skydiver with no parachute on crack jumping into an alligator pit with ground-beef underpants on. Now living in San Diego....Steve is only satisfied to live in an area that has a virtual 100% chance of being utterly destroyed and swallowed by the sea in a massive earthquake, but to live somewhere where there was NOT complete and utter danger...would simply be unacceptable to Steve.
Below, we find one of Steve's typical Vibrating Chair booths. Steve travels all over the country setting up booths just like this at various trade shows. Steve is so dangerous, before each trade show, he drinks a vial of extremely toxic poison.....and he refuses to take the antidote unless he sells at least 17 of these chairs in a given show. Steve's search for the 'World's Most Advanced Shiatsu Massage Chair' took him high up into the Himalayan mountains in Nepal, where he sought counsel from the esteemed Shiatsu-Guru 'Lao Che'. Lao Che gave three tasks to Steve, which had to be completed within the 'Shao-Fe' season of eternal vibration. The first task- to wrestle a Yeti with is bare hands- which Steve accomplished without hesitation.
Here is a picture of the yeti that Steve defeated in combat. Steve's unarmed combat skills are unparalleled.
The Second task required Steve to take an out-of-focus picture of the 'Basilisk' lizard. Which as you can see below, Steve accomplished with an amazing adeptness. Were this picture to be in focus, the Basilisk lizard would turn all whom gaze upon it, to stone. This would deter most normal people, but for Steve, this challenge did not seem quite dangerous enough- so while he searched for the elusive Basilisk, Steve wore plastic underwear and filled them up with Scorpions.
The final task that Lao Che assigned to Steve, was to Journey deep into the arid desert of "Lo Ching Sa" and find proof of the mystical 'Blue Sweatpants Sage' and his bald assistant- the 'Bald Chai-Loobi'. From the photo below, it is quite apparent that Steve did indeed discover the existence of these surreptitious mythological figures, and even managed to capture them on film. Below lies the only photo in existence of these two elusive beings. After the ordeal...Steve indicated the following: "I saw the Blue Sweatpants Sage from a distance, and managed to hide myself under some debris. Knowing I was bearing witness to something no other human had ever seen before, my nerves twitched in anticipation. It was at this moment, I realized that I probably should not have worn my scorpion-filled underwear on that fateful day, as I was stung by one as the Sage approached. The small twitch that I reacted to the sting with was all the Blue Sweatpants Sage needed to become acutely aware of my presence. Knowing I had little time, I immediately jumped up and took the picture. I remember thinking how calm the Sage appeared at being discovered, and the Bald Chai Loobi seemed to be meditating in the distance, holding in his hands what appeared to be some sort of magical device of immense power and mystery. Immediately after this picture was taken, the Sage and Chai Loobi both seemed to literally vanish into thin air....leaving not even a slight trace of their presence. I knew at that moment that I had become a privileged witness to the most mysterious and debated enigma in the history of human civilization- the Blue Sweatpants Sage." -Steve 'Stiv' Haqq
After Completing his three challenges, Steve returned to visit 'Lao Che' in the Himalayas once again (making a casual stop by mount Everest on his way there and climbing it blindfolded). Lao Che was indeed pleased with the amazing success of Steve's missions....so amazed in fact, that Lao Che bestowed the great honor of letting Steve sleep in his finest sleeping chamber(shown below) carved deep into the foreboding 'Mount Loomshai', on which Lao Che had made his home. You'll notice that out the window, you can see the eternal blackness of the mountain lair of Lao Che. Lao Che showered Steve with many mysterious gifts of unimaginable power and, even more importantly, shared with Steve the ultimate secret of how to construct the worlds finest Shiatsu vibrating chair. This is the legend of how Steve's chairs came into being.
Below, we find a picture of Steve practicing his deadly Nunchucku Kata. Steve's training in the deadly arts has made him a virtual killing machine of destruction and doom. Many whom have witnessed Steve's powers firsthand have attested that his powers seem to have an almost supernatural prowess.
The picture below introduces us to Steve's long-time sidekick- Hart. Hart has long dwelled in Steve's shadow, trying to grab as much glory and recognition as he can from this illustrious position. Most people would find living in someone's shadow to be demeaning, but in the case of Steve Haqq....truly any human would feel amazingly fortunate to have earned such a position of high regard. Truly it is no easy task to live in the shadow of such greatness and majesty that is Steve Haqq....Hart is to be commended and admired both for his steadfast loyalty and service to Steve, but also for his fearlessness as to exploring and questioning his gender identification.
Below, Steve introduces us to another one of his many companions- Jeff: "Jeff was born 1955 in
Havana, Cuba. Jeff -Steve 'Stiv' Haqq
The year was 2004. It was Spring. The Solstice found Steve on a miraculous journey of hope and freedom for all of humanity. Steve had accepted the divine quest of the search for the Shoe Tree of Allmagee. The fabled tree, once believed by the Mayans in Central America to be the giver of all life, has been discounted for centuries by modern science as myth and legend. Steve discovered a renewed interest in the existence of the tree while he was studying ancient Central American cultures at the Quetzacoatal university in Drambooie. In between his rigorous studies and his selfless acts of humanitarianism, Steve discovered an ancient manuscript, with a vague indication of where the fabled tree, may lie. Taking only a small pocket knife, and of course, his trusty whip, Steve journeyed deep into the Central American jungles in search of the tree. As the photo below clearly indicates, Steve's journey was a roaring success. Once again, Steve Haqq has required modern-day history books to be re-written on the basis of one of his discoveries.
Steve Haqq is truly an outlaw....further evidenced by his purchase of his new motorcycle, shown below. This motorcycle, once belonging to James Dean, was purchased by Steve for $100,000,000.00. Steve immediately had the bike retrofit with lateral-mount 60mm machine guns, a 120mm Vulcan Anti-tank cannon, and a quad array of anti-aircraft stinger missiles. Steve's reckless abandon for his own safety in the name of danger know absolutely no limits. This bike is now known as: "Rollerhaqq"
This is a rare photo of Steve with his mystical Kung-fu instructor- Stivsis Qqah. Under the tutelage of Qqah, Steve's powers have gained in strength to the point where he can actually slow down the speed of time. In the photo below, Steve and Stivsis are at a Video-game conference, where their mystical moves are captured with body-motion suits to be used in upcoming martial-arts video games.
One day, while peacefully meditating up in the harsh and unforgiving Plo-Koon mountains of Nepal, Steve was viciously attacked by an assassin sent from Stivsis' rival training academy- The Shoomlabis. This fruitless, futile and foolish attempt to kill Steve was the singular event that started the war between the Shoomlabis, and Stivsis clans. Naturally, the Stivsis clan, having both Stivsis and Steve fighting on their side was almost immediately victorious. The few, straggling remaining Shoomlabis fled deep into the Jungles of the Congo in Africa. Perhaps one day Steve will himself venture into the Congo to destroy the remaining Shoomlabis, but for now, his duties as the world's #1 assassin preoccupy most of his time.
As is apparent in the photo below, the assassination attempt at Steve by the Shoomlabis quickly turned into a swift execution by Steve of the foolish assassin- Ching Mai. While meditating, Steve was aware of the upcoming presence of the assassin before the assassin even knew he was going to be an assassin. Yes, I realize that may sound ridiculous, but with Steve, the impossible becomes- simple. Steve allowed Ching Mai to get close enough to where he thought he was actually going to be able to get away with his assassination, but at the last second, Steve whipped up in a blinding, dizzying frenzy, snatched the assassin's sword from his very hands, and sliced his head clean off. Steve then urinated on the decapitated head's face to show his contempt for the Shoomlabis.
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